FROM: Banbury, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
ABOUT ME: Living the highs and lows of life in the adventurous pursuit of God Himself and of who I'm meant to be as the Bride of Christ.
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Wednesday, December 31, 2008,7:43 p.m.
TOTAL DEPRAVITY (BUT GLORIOUS RESCUE)
I have been thinking lately about man's total depravity. "Total depravity" as a phrase is most commonly used in John Calvin's TULIP theology - it is what defines the "T" in this five-part explanation of Christianity. Though I must say that I do not hold with Calvin's theology per se, the idea of total depravity is something that I am truly understanding more and more.
The concept of the total depravity of man states that man is innately sinful. Man is born sinful; it is his nature. I don't know many who would disagree with this regardless of the theology to which one holds. Romans 3:9-18 makes very clear that we are all unrighteous outside of the hand of God:
What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one. Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know. There is no fear of God before their eyes."
I think I have most often thought of this passage as one that refers to a nature that is "pre-salvation". But of late I have come to recognize that without God as an active part of our lives, we are still, indeed, depraved. I do not have the right focus without Him. I do not have the correct motives without Him. I do not even have the ability to love or be obedient or serve without His Spirit. Indeed, without Him I am everything that defines depraved in a human being.
The thought that remains beautiful in this pondering of depravity is the knowledge that God redeems. He redeems my life - buys it back from the state in which I was even born. He redeems my poor decisions and He even redeems my shortcomings. It is by grace - grace that I have done nothing to deserve, yet He delights to give so that we can be together. It is a glorious rescue indeed.
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:1-5)
The concept of the total depravity of man states that man is innately sinful. Man is born sinful; it is his nature. I don't know many who would disagree with this regardless of the theology to which one holds. Romans 3:9-18 makes very clear that we are all unrighteous outside of the hand of God:
What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? Not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin. As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one. Their throats are open graves; their tongues practice deceit. The poison of vipers is on their lips. Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness. Their feet are swift to shed blood; ruin and misery mark their ways, and the way of peace they do not know. There is no fear of God before their eyes."
I think I have most often thought of this passage as one that refers to a nature that is "pre-salvation". But of late I have come to recognize that without God as an active part of our lives, we are still, indeed, depraved. I do not have the right focus without Him. I do not have the correct motives without Him. I do not even have the ability to love or be obedient or serve without His Spirit. Indeed, without Him I am everything that defines depraved in a human being.
The thought that remains beautiful in this pondering of depravity is the knowledge that God redeems. He redeems my life - buys it back from the state in which I was even born. He redeems my poor decisions and He even redeems my shortcomings. It is by grace - grace that I have done nothing to deserve, yet He delights to give so that we can be together. It is a glorious rescue indeed.
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. (Ephesians 2:1-5)
Saturday, December 20, 2008,8:20 a.m.
I AM AN ARTIST (I THINK)
I was just browsing through my friend Phil Laeger's blog, and while listening to a cool a cappella rendition of a Sting song, I noticed his links on the right of his site. Actually, I noticed his "Blog Roll" and his "Artists" links, and was reminded that Phil puts me under the heading "Artist" instead of in the list of blogs that he frequents.
That got me thinking - I am an artist. I am a worshipper, but I was given artistic talents - specifically music, but probably others as well - with which to bring pleasure to God and with which to call God's people to worship Him. I use my music to lead worship. I teach others about worship, and most often also teach them to use their musical gifts in worship and to lead worship.
I am also a songwriter.
So here's a philosophical question: If a songwriter writes music and rarely shares it with anyone outside of a very small, select group of friends (and doesn't always remember to do that), is their songwriting really of any use as a ministry and as a worship tool? My songs bring pleasure to God and express my heart to Him - fair enough. But the catch is that God has also exhorted me to be sharing my songs - to build up the Body of Christ with the gifts He has given me. We are all called to use our gifts to worship. But we are also all called to use our gifts to build up and encourage one another. I have read that countless times in the last few months in the New Testament. And seeing my name on an "Artists" listing is what it took to drive that home this time.
What holds me back? Pride. Pride that looks like insecurity and shyness. Pride that doesn't want people to think I'm pushing myself forward to try to show how "great" I am every time I want to sing for them a song I recently wrote. Pride that is afraid of people not showering me with praise for the work of my hands and heart. It is all natural. And it is still pride.
It is a little frightening to write all of this, because after saying it all I will now, of course, have to push myself to write more and (specifically) share my songs more with others, whether I think them good or .... not so good. I will have to place my trust in my identity and my worth in what God thinks of my songs, and simply pray that He uses them to minister and to encourage. That's a big deal to me - rejecting the power that others falsely have to define my worth and value. It's been a constant theme in the last year. And it is not an easy journey. But it's important.
I literally, as I write that last line, desire to fly freely as the person whom God created me to be. It frustrates me that we, as God's chosen people, have each of us become so bound up that it is difficult to even see the lies that hold us chained. I want them broken. I want to be so free of bondage that I fly up into the air like a helium balloon - unrestrained, designed to defy even gravity.
Perhaps the creative imagery that is starting to be evoked is part of the "artist" side of me. Good. Let it fly, Lord - and be glorified.
Too hard have I chased the wind
I want to run where You run
Too long have I thirsted
I want to run where You run
I want to fly at Your side
I want to dance with You every step
Just to be with You
Just to be with You
I want to see what You see
I want to sing Your love song
I want to sit by You every moment
Just to be with You
Just to be with You
Karyn Baker (2008)
That got me thinking - I am an artist. I am a worshipper, but I was given artistic talents - specifically music, but probably others as well - with which to bring pleasure to God and with which to call God's people to worship Him. I use my music to lead worship. I teach others about worship, and most often also teach them to use their musical gifts in worship and to lead worship.
I am also a songwriter.
So here's a philosophical question: If a songwriter writes music and rarely shares it with anyone outside of a very small, select group of friends (and doesn't always remember to do that), is their songwriting really of any use as a ministry and as a worship tool? My songs bring pleasure to God and express my heart to Him - fair enough. But the catch is that God has also exhorted me to be sharing my songs - to build up the Body of Christ with the gifts He has given me. We are all called to use our gifts to worship. But we are also all called to use our gifts to build up and encourage one another. I have read that countless times in the last few months in the New Testament. And seeing my name on an "Artists" listing is what it took to drive that home this time.
What holds me back? Pride. Pride that looks like insecurity and shyness. Pride that doesn't want people to think I'm pushing myself forward to try to show how "great" I am every time I want to sing for them a song I recently wrote. Pride that is afraid of people not showering me with praise for the work of my hands and heart. It is all natural. And it is still pride.
It is a little frightening to write all of this, because after saying it all I will now, of course, have to push myself to write more and (specifically) share my songs more with others, whether I think them good or .... not so good. I will have to place my trust in my identity and my worth in what God thinks of my songs, and simply pray that He uses them to minister and to encourage. That's a big deal to me - rejecting the power that others falsely have to define my worth and value. It's been a constant theme in the last year. And it is not an easy journey. But it's important.
I literally, as I write that last line, desire to fly freely as the person whom God created me to be. It frustrates me that we, as God's chosen people, have each of us become so bound up that it is difficult to even see the lies that hold us chained. I want them broken. I want to be so free of bondage that I fly up into the air like a helium balloon - unrestrained, designed to defy even gravity.
Perhaps the creative imagery that is starting to be evoked is part of the "artist" side of me. Good. Let it fly, Lord - and be glorified.
Too long have I wandered
Too far have I journeyed from You
And I'm not satisfied
I am empty inside
Too hard have I chased the wind
Too long have my eyes been from You
And I'm hungry for more
I am desperate to soar
I want to run where You run
I want to fly at Your side
I want to dance with You every step
Just to be with You
Just to be with You
I want to see what You see
I want to sing Your love song
I want to sit by You every moment
Just to be with You
Just to be with You
Too long have I thirsted
Too long digging wells without water
And my spirit is dry
But I know You will satisfy
I want to run where You run
I want to fly at Your side
I want to dance with You every step
Just to be with You
Just to be with You
I want to see what You see
I want to sing Your love song
I want to sit by You every moment
Just to be with You
Just to be with You
Karyn Baker (2008)
Thursday, December 11, 2008,8:18 p.m.
GOD'S QUICK ANSWER
The very night after I wrote and posted the blog below, I started reading the second of three new books on worship that I bought this week. I'm not sure why, as I rarely have two "teaching" books on the go at a time. The scriptures, a teaching book, and a novel, yes - always - but more than those three seems a little much. (Maybe those three seem a little much!)
But out of curiosity for what it had to say, I picked up Worship Matters: Leading Others to Encounter the Greatness of God by Bob Kauflin. I've read many things by Bob Kauflin before. He has practical tips on leading musical worship, and his books are always useful. The title and index of this one intrigued me in the store, but really, I was just hungry for anything new so a cursory glance is really all it got before I purchased it.
The first chapter is almost identical to what I posted the night before I read it.
He tells of a worship leader friend of his who "confided that one of his greatest struggles in leading worship is fighting the feeling that he has to 'get up and do it again' for the two-hundredth time. He has to resist going through the motions and simply 'mailing it in'. (page 15)." I think there are a lot of people in leadership who deal with that, and I myself am not exempt. I, too, have fought those feelings. Fortunately, I have a healthy fear of God and leading His worship in authenticity, and those particular feelings don't get to win or I won't get up in front of a group of worshippers to lead. But that does not mean the struggle is not real and disheartening. Isn't this the same as what I was expressing the other night? That sometimes passion and drive can get lost in obedience and the responsibilities of leadership?
Bob Kauflin writes this after talking about the struggles of leading from a place of passion when there are so many struggles or even us details to consider and deal with:
"After thirty years of leading worship, I've realized that worship isn't just an opportunity to use my musical gifts. It's more than a heightened emotional experience or a way to make a living. It's way more than what we do on Sunday morning.
Worship is about what we love. What we live for.
It's about who we are before God.
This book is filled with practical ideas for leading worship. But we don't start there. These initial capers are about the way we think and live. I want to challenge, encourage, and inspire you to live your life for the glory and praise of Jesus Christ. Holding nothing back. Giving no ground. It's the only kind of life that makes sense for someone who leads worship. (page 17)"
AMEN. I couldn't agree more.
And it's exactly what I'm looking to recapture.
Extra note: When I was looking up the URL for the link to buy the book, I came across Bob Kauflin's blog called Worship Matters (shouldn't be surprised at that, I guess!). Looks like it could have some good things in there - dig in! http://www.worshipmatters.com
But out of curiosity for what it had to say, I picked up Worship Matters: Leading Others to Encounter the Greatness of God by Bob Kauflin. I've read many things by Bob Kauflin before. He has practical tips on leading musical worship, and his books are always useful. The title and index of this one intrigued me in the store, but really, I was just hungry for anything new so a cursory glance is really all it got before I purchased it.
The first chapter is almost identical to what I posted the night before I read it.
He tells of a worship leader friend of his who "confided that one of his greatest struggles in leading worship is fighting the feeling that he has to 'get up and do it again' for the two-hundredth time. He has to resist going through the motions and simply 'mailing it in'. (page 15)." I think there are a lot of people in leadership who deal with that, and I myself am not exempt. I, too, have fought those feelings. Fortunately, I have a healthy fear of God and leading His worship in authenticity, and those particular feelings don't get to win or I won't get up in front of a group of worshippers to lead. But that does not mean the struggle is not real and disheartening. Isn't this the same as what I was expressing the other night? That sometimes passion and drive can get lost in obedience and the responsibilities of leadership?
Bob Kauflin writes this after talking about the struggles of leading from a place of passion when there are so many struggles or even us details to consider and deal with:
"After thirty years of leading worship, I've realized that worship isn't just an opportunity to use my musical gifts. It's more than a heightened emotional experience or a way to make a living. It's way more than what we do on Sunday morning.
Worship is about what we love. What we live for.
It's about who we are before God.
This book is filled with practical ideas for leading worship. But we don't start there. These initial capers are about the way we think and live. I want to challenge, encourage, and inspire you to live your life for the glory and praise of Jesus Christ. Holding nothing back. Giving no ground. It's the only kind of life that makes sense for someone who leads worship. (page 17)"
AMEN. I couldn't agree more.
And it's exactly what I'm looking to recapture.
Extra note: When I was looking up the URL for the link to buy the book, I came across Bob Kauflin's blog called Worship Matters (shouldn't be surprised at that, I guess!). Looks like it could have some good things in there - dig in! http://www.worshipmatters.com
Tuesday, December 09, 2008,8:31 p.m.
DESPERATE FOR PERSONAL RENEWAL
I don't usually write things that are quite so "journal"-like here on this blog. And I certainly don't usually write things that are so particularly ..... revealing of my more personal or vulnerable state of mind. But as I sat down at the computer tonight and simply started writing, this is what came out. It is also a whole lot closer to poetry (of some free verse sort) than I ever get, outside of songwriting. It is altogether something different for me, so I thought I'd share it. Perhaps it speaks to you.
I don't have any answers to what is written here, simply an unwavering faith that there is an answer there somewhere. I'm still searching for it; I pray that as you search, you will find the answers you seek. Be blessed in your service to the Lord.
DESPERATE FOR PERSONAL RENEWAL
Are you a pastor?
Youth leader?
Worship leader?
Missionary?
Sunday school teacher?
Christian school teacher?
Do you ever wonder what happened to the overwhelming passion that you once held for your subject matter?
Do you question whether you are still leading and teaching from a place of authenticity or whether you’ve begun to lead and teach from memory instead?
I do.
I will not even pretend that “I did” and then give you the oh-so-wise answers that I finally came up with. I will not pretend that I don’t sometimes (often times?) feel quite lost, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I am preaching and teaching is real and true, but grieve strongly the place in my own heart that used to not be able to hold my tongue about it all.
The truth is that though we are not supposed to grow weary while doing good, I think I have.
I started my own journey as a worshipper with passion, drive and a knowledge that I couldn’t know enough. I went to every conference I could, every church service that there was in a week, and read every book ever written on the subject just because I was incredibly hungry – starving – for more than I had.
More knowledge.
More understanding.
More wisdom.
More help on how to live this passion.
While I lived, I learned. When I learned, I shared. What I shared, I continued to do my best to live. Whatever I learned increased my passion for what had become a calling in my life.
And then the Lord asked me to lead.
He called me.
He trained me.
He refined me.
He allowed me to be tested.
He increased my authority.
For a while it was fine. And then somewhere along this journey I became so engulfed in leading and teaching that I forgot it was a passion.
I got hurt.
I got tired.
I got weary.
And I got sad. Sad that I didn’t have this same passion and fire inside of me. Oh, I see sparks of it now and then. I long for it, I look for it sometimes, I grieve it often. Where has it gone? Is this really what leadership is about? Living so close to the edge of burnout and exhaustion that the passions that were originally stirred in us are thickened and slowed by the burden of leadership?
Responsibility?
Deadlines?
Expectations?
My mind rebels.
My spirit rebels.
My passions try to arise.
And my knowledge of the things I am committed to doing,
the responsibilities I have undertaken,
the leadership that God has given me,
must be fulfilled.
And that is also a passion. To bring God pleasure with what I have to offer.
It is a circle sometimes.
It is a riddle.
It is a pulling in two directions.
One away from leadership to be closer to God.
One towards leadership to be obedient to God.
There must be something that marries the two things together. Where is it? That is the thing for which I’m searching.
An innocence to live in the place of passion and excitement.
A maturity to live in the place of leadership and service.
It is a desperation for personal renewal.
Lord, hear my prayer.
I don't have any answers to what is written here, simply an unwavering faith that there is an answer there somewhere. I'm still searching for it; I pray that as you search, you will find the answers you seek. Be blessed in your service to the Lord.
DESPERATE FOR PERSONAL RENEWAL
Are you a pastor?
Youth leader?
Worship leader?
Missionary?
Sunday school teacher?
Christian school teacher?
Do you ever wonder what happened to the overwhelming passion that you once held for your subject matter?
Do you question whether you are still leading and teaching from a place of authenticity or whether you’ve begun to lead and teach from memory instead?
I do.
I will not even pretend that “I did” and then give you the oh-so-wise answers that I finally came up with. I will not pretend that I don’t sometimes (often times?) feel quite lost, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I am preaching and teaching is real and true, but grieve strongly the place in my own heart that used to not be able to hold my tongue about it all.
The truth is that though we are not supposed to grow weary while doing good, I think I have.
I started my own journey as a worshipper with passion, drive and a knowledge that I couldn’t know enough. I went to every conference I could, every church service that there was in a week, and read every book ever written on the subject just because I was incredibly hungry – starving – for more than I had.
More knowledge.
More understanding.
More wisdom.
More help on how to live this passion.
While I lived, I learned. When I learned, I shared. What I shared, I continued to do my best to live. Whatever I learned increased my passion for what had become a calling in my life.
And then the Lord asked me to lead.
He called me.
He trained me.
He refined me.
He allowed me to be tested.
He increased my authority.
For a while it was fine. And then somewhere along this journey I became so engulfed in leading and teaching that I forgot it was a passion.
I got hurt.
I got tired.
I got weary.
And I got sad. Sad that I didn’t have this same passion and fire inside of me. Oh, I see sparks of it now and then. I long for it, I look for it sometimes, I grieve it often. Where has it gone? Is this really what leadership is about? Living so close to the edge of burnout and exhaustion that the passions that were originally stirred in us are thickened and slowed by the burden of leadership?
Responsibility?
Deadlines?
Expectations?
My mind rebels.
My spirit rebels.
My passions try to arise.
And my knowledge of the things I am committed to doing,
the responsibilities I have undertaken,
the leadership that God has given me,
must be fulfilled.
And that is also a passion. To bring God pleasure with what I have to offer.
It is a circle sometimes.
It is a riddle.
It is a pulling in two directions.
One away from leadership to be closer to God.
One towards leadership to be obedient to God.
There must be something that marries the two things together. Where is it? That is the thing for which I’m searching.
An innocence to live in the place of passion and excitement.
A maturity to live in the place of leadership and service.
It is a desperation for personal renewal.
Lord, hear my prayer.