FROM: Banbury, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
ABOUT ME: Living the highs and lows of life in the adventurous pursuit of God Himself and of who I'm meant to be as the Bride of Christ.
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Tuesday, December 09, 2008,8:31 p.m.
DESPERATE FOR PERSONAL RENEWAL
I don't usually write things that are quite so "journal"-like here on this blog. And I certainly don't usually write things that are so particularly ..... revealing of my more personal or vulnerable state of mind. But as I sat down at the computer tonight and simply started writing, this is what came out. It is also a whole lot closer to poetry (of some free verse sort) than I ever get, outside of songwriting. It is altogether something different for me, so I thought I'd share it. Perhaps it speaks to you.
I don't have any answers to what is written here, simply an unwavering faith that there is an answer there somewhere. I'm still searching for it; I pray that as you search, you will find the answers you seek. Be blessed in your service to the Lord.
DESPERATE FOR PERSONAL RENEWAL
Are you a pastor?
Youth leader?
Worship leader?
Missionary?
Sunday school teacher?
Christian school teacher?
Do you ever wonder what happened to the overwhelming passion that you once held for your subject matter?
Do you question whether you are still leading and teaching from a place of authenticity or whether you’ve begun to lead and teach from memory instead?
I do.
I will not even pretend that “I did” and then give you the oh-so-wise answers that I finally came up with. I will not pretend that I don’t sometimes (often times?) feel quite lost, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I am preaching and teaching is real and true, but grieve strongly the place in my own heart that used to not be able to hold my tongue about it all.
The truth is that though we are not supposed to grow weary while doing good, I think I have.
I started my own journey as a worshipper with passion, drive and a knowledge that I couldn’t know enough. I went to every conference I could, every church service that there was in a week, and read every book ever written on the subject just because I was incredibly hungry – starving – for more than I had.
More knowledge.
More understanding.
More wisdom.
More help on how to live this passion.
While I lived, I learned. When I learned, I shared. What I shared, I continued to do my best to live. Whatever I learned increased my passion for what had become a calling in my life.
And then the Lord asked me to lead.
He called me.
He trained me.
He refined me.
He allowed me to be tested.
He increased my authority.
For a while it was fine. And then somewhere along this journey I became so engulfed in leading and teaching that I forgot it was a passion.
I got hurt.
I got tired.
I got weary.
And I got sad. Sad that I didn’t have this same passion and fire inside of me. Oh, I see sparks of it now and then. I long for it, I look for it sometimes, I grieve it often. Where has it gone? Is this really what leadership is about? Living so close to the edge of burnout and exhaustion that the passions that were originally stirred in us are thickened and slowed by the burden of leadership?
Responsibility?
Deadlines?
Expectations?
My mind rebels.
My spirit rebels.
My passions try to arise.
And my knowledge of the things I am committed to doing,
the responsibilities I have undertaken,
the leadership that God has given me,
must be fulfilled.
And that is also a passion. To bring God pleasure with what I have to offer.
It is a circle sometimes.
It is a riddle.
It is a pulling in two directions.
One away from leadership to be closer to God.
One towards leadership to be obedient to God.
There must be something that marries the two things together. Where is it? That is the thing for which I’m searching.
An innocence to live in the place of passion and excitement.
A maturity to live in the place of leadership and service.
It is a desperation for personal renewal.
Lord, hear my prayer.
I don't have any answers to what is written here, simply an unwavering faith that there is an answer there somewhere. I'm still searching for it; I pray that as you search, you will find the answers you seek. Be blessed in your service to the Lord.
DESPERATE FOR PERSONAL RENEWAL
Are you a pastor?
Youth leader?
Worship leader?
Missionary?
Sunday school teacher?
Christian school teacher?
Do you ever wonder what happened to the overwhelming passion that you once held for your subject matter?
Do you question whether you are still leading and teaching from a place of authenticity or whether you’ve begun to lead and teach from memory instead?
I do.
I will not even pretend that “I did” and then give you the oh-so-wise answers that I finally came up with. I will not pretend that I don’t sometimes (often times?) feel quite lost, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that what I am preaching and teaching is real and true, but grieve strongly the place in my own heart that used to not be able to hold my tongue about it all.
The truth is that though we are not supposed to grow weary while doing good, I think I have.
I started my own journey as a worshipper with passion, drive and a knowledge that I couldn’t know enough. I went to every conference I could, every church service that there was in a week, and read every book ever written on the subject just because I was incredibly hungry – starving – for more than I had.
More knowledge.
More understanding.
More wisdom.
More help on how to live this passion.
While I lived, I learned. When I learned, I shared. What I shared, I continued to do my best to live. Whatever I learned increased my passion for what had become a calling in my life.
And then the Lord asked me to lead.
He called me.
He trained me.
He refined me.
He allowed me to be tested.
He increased my authority.
For a while it was fine. And then somewhere along this journey I became so engulfed in leading and teaching that I forgot it was a passion.
I got hurt.
I got tired.
I got weary.
And I got sad. Sad that I didn’t have this same passion and fire inside of me. Oh, I see sparks of it now and then. I long for it, I look for it sometimes, I grieve it often. Where has it gone? Is this really what leadership is about? Living so close to the edge of burnout and exhaustion that the passions that were originally stirred in us are thickened and slowed by the burden of leadership?
Responsibility?
Deadlines?
Expectations?
My mind rebels.
My spirit rebels.
My passions try to arise.
And my knowledge of the things I am committed to doing,
the responsibilities I have undertaken,
the leadership that God has given me,
must be fulfilled.
And that is also a passion. To bring God pleasure with what I have to offer.
It is a circle sometimes.
It is a riddle.
It is a pulling in two directions.
One away from leadership to be closer to God.
One towards leadership to be obedient to God.
There must be something that marries the two things together. Where is it? That is the thing for which I’m searching.
An innocence to live in the place of passion and excitement.
A maturity to live in the place of leadership and service.
It is a desperation for personal renewal.
Lord, hear my prayer.
