For anyone who knows me as a pastor, you know that one of the things that I find most frustrating in walking with people through their lives is walking with people who are caught in cycle. Actually, no, that's not entirely accurate - it's walking with people who are caught in cycle and never seem to fight their way out.

Today, in a whirlwind of irony and with a few tears, I realized that I myself am in a cycle - a cycle of trying to please the Lord and serve His Kingdom in my own strength. The result? I'm sure you can imagine: messy - distastrous - tiring - frustrating - at times painful - always less than a spotless offering.

Just - cycle. Always going around and around in the same way with the same lack of permanent results. Finding out what pleases the Lord, only to attempt it, start running with it with Him, and then somewhere along the line start running with it on my own. Then the stress level builds, things start to fly apart a little, and everything in the situation feels like it's too much. Usually at some point in there Satan also starts throwing spanners into the works, just to make it all more interesting and leave me with more of a desire to go back to teaching high school or consulting and just being a volunteer minister in the church. Somewhere in the mix the words, "I just want to be a worshipper" usually come out of my mouth. Then there is always a moment of brokenness where our ever-faithful God gently calls me back to His heart and reminds me that it is He and His name, not my own strength or even what I have to offer Him. Then He shares the plan again, we run together, somewhere I start off on my own, and ... cycle begins again.

Part of my cycle always brings me back to the arms of the Saviour. Most of the cycles in our Christian journey do. It's the grace of the Father to not let us spiral downwards, but instead to allow us to see where we are broken so that He may heal us and fit us for more of His service. It is our own lack of strength and ability that shows His strength and ability so perfectly. But I don't believe it should always be in cycle this way. It is time to step out of the places where our cycles simply go around and around. It is time to fight. We fight so much for others in the Salvation Army. It's time to also fight for ourselves - our spiritual health, our relationship with God and our witness of His glory and faithfulness.

It is a war, after all. I'm ready to fight.

(This is perhaps more of a personal blog than I usually post, but I'm not looking for the typical words of encouragement that say, "You can do it" or "Keep at it." As much as words like that are appreciated, I am rather looking to be authentic (which sometimes means vulnerable) and also to challenge any of you reading - where are you caught in cycle? What lessons has our gracious Father been trying to teach you? Where do you need to fight your way out? I pray our Lord's strength will be with you.)