Last night at our evening service, I had the privilege of leading the musical part of worship. I also had the privilege of hearing a preach on a couple of my favourite scripture passages - Jesus anointed by the sinful woman (Luke 7), Jesus anointed by Mary of Bethany (John 12) and Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus (John 10). (And yes, I know the first two could be the same story told differently, but they might not be....I don't know, but it's not important to this blog....).

Between the two, I felt like I "remembered" what some of my best moments with Jesus have been - that knowledge of intimate friendship and utter love, both given and received. That complete focus and extreme enjoyment of worshipping Him, simply knowing He is worthy of it! That "being lost" in His presence, not only in the musical worship, but in the reading of His Word and in prayer. The passion. The fire of love. The understanding that I can put myself in the place of Mary and the sinful woman. The realization of forgiveness and grace. The joy of Jesus' friendship.

The joy.

I sometimes feel like I have had more joy in my worship at other times in my life. I remember still when I was first really learning all about the deeper parts of worship and the fact that I was specifically created to do all of what was going on last night. I remember discovering things in the Word, and then discovering them again later with fresh revelation, or discovering new things about the same passages. (I'm currently reading Leviticus - that may be an explanation why I'm searching deeper there for that feeling of joy!)

I know that my relationship with God is not based on emotion. I know that my worship is not qualified by the amount I "feel" the joy that I am bringing the Father. I know all of that - really. I frequently teach on that myself as a worship pastor. It is important for all of us as worshippers to be able to worship and serve the Lord outside of what we ourselves will receive.

But.....

Psalm 16:11 says that in God's presence is fullness of joy. FULLNESS. Where is the fullness? Isn't joy an emotion the Lord wants us to experience when we worship Him? Fullness. Even a fullness of emotion - grief, joy - all of it. Actually, joy isn't even just an emotion - it's deeper than that. I can be in tears and understand the joy of knowing that God is so near I feel as if I could touch Him. In fact, His nearness often brings me to tears - that knowledge that I am so loved, coming even while I am attempting to love on Him, brings healing and fills a gap that always needs to be filled.

I want fullness. I want to go back and re-dig the places where there used to be wells of fullness in my worship of the Lord and my relationship with Him. I want to overflow, not simply serve out of a knowledge that this is what I'm supposed to do. I want the passion. I want the fire. I want it all.

I want fullness.

You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever. (Psalm 16:11)