FROM: Banbury, Oxfordshire, United Kingdom
ABOUT ME: Living the highs and lows of life in the adventurous pursuit of God Himself and of who I'm meant to be as the Bride of Christ.
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Sunday, August 24, 2008,11:45 a.m.
SACRIFICE VS. REJECTION
I gave a little hint in my last blog that I have been processing a perceived struggle in my life between sacrifice and rejection. I probably wasn't near clear enough in regards to that about which I was speaking. But I was referring to promises of the Lord - promises the Lord has given that we have not yet seen fulfilled.
I wonder, at times, how Abraham must have felt when he was promised a nation more numerous than the stars in the sky, but lived and died with only one son. I wonder sometimes if he "got it" and understood the far-reaching nature of that promise or if he felt a bit ripped off. Jason Upton has a song called "Give Me One Reason" and it has a lyric that says this:
I've always wondered whether this was actually true - how does a man live and die without seeing God's promise fulfilled and still retain faith in that promise? How does one choose to believe in a promise long since given and long awaited and not grasp at it and strive for it - and choose a hand-maiden, Hagar, instead of waiting? (By the way, the truth of Abraham's taking Hagar to speed along the promise of a son is my reason for wondering if he did not feel forsaken.)
God has spoken promises into my life - many. Many have been fulfilled, many remain hopes. At times my ability to claim these promises without creating of them an idol growths regrettably thin. I refuse to have idols - I would rather cast all my hopes into the pit of hell than allow them to come between Jesus and me. I don't say that from a false sense of piety but rather from a personal experience of having done it already - I won't have it again.
BUT, therein lies the dilemma that I am currently processing. One time, in prayer, I chose to lay down one of my dreams before the Lord - to make of it a sacrifice. The Lord very clearly asked me, "Why do you keep laying down the things that I am giving you? Pick it up!" He tells me of His plans and asks me to believe. I do believe. I believe He is faithful to fulfill all His promises, and I believe that He is not slow to do so. But I myself have a problem in knowing that within my hand are my deepest dreams - the dreams that God has promised to fulfill - and keeping my hand relaxed and open. In my humanness I want to grasp at them and not allow them to escape me. And then this knowledge leads me to remember my identity as a servant of Christ and I want to both offer them up to God to do with as He wills and to cast them away from me as still too close to not be in danger of being idols.
On one hand, sacrifice.
On the other hand, rejection.
How does one sacrifice something so earnestly desired without utterly casting it aside? Isn't this what sacrifice is? But in the case of something God is asking us to believe in, is it not also rejection of a promise? I feel sometimes as though rejection is the only way to be safe from idolatry. But it is also a lack of faith, perhaps a self-protecting disbelief in case 'being the father of a nation' never manifests in my lifetime. But sacrifice - how does one do this over and over, while remaining open-handed with the gifts of God? How does one say, "Yes, I will take my son up to the mountain of Moriah," knowing already that there is a ram in the thicket? I have read that story, and to attempt to duplicate it with my own Isaacs feels like a false sacrifice. But a full sacrifice feels like the rejection of a promise.
At least Abraham knew that God had required of Him Moriah. I wonder if sometimes I require it of myself. God hasn't demanded that I take the promises He has given me and bury them where they will never see the light of day except by a miracle of His hand. Maybe the pain that is involved in waiting is what has required it. May the fear of creating idols again is what demands it. Perhaps all of this struggle is really just from inside me - trying to protect against more disappointment, more pain.
Well, of course it is - I don't suppose that was really in question. The question does remain, however, how do you hold a promise lightly in your hand? How do you refuse the Hagar opportunities? How does one change one's heart to not see the promises and seek them out, but instead to see the Lord, and to have eyes that are for Him only?
My heart wants to reject the promises - in the claims that I want God more and the weak understanding that I have of knowing my desire of these promises endangers my intimacy with the Lord. God wants my heart to accept the promises - in His rights as a good and loving Father who gives gifts to His beloved children. He wants to give me more - to have me experience fullness in this life before meeting with Him in eternity. Thus at present I continue to wrestle between accepting in faith and true sacrifice, and rejecting in self-protection.
Sometimes blogging is so helpful – as I write the above and re-read it a time or two, I wonder if I don't need to sacrifice/reject something other than God's promises. Perhaps what needs to be rejected, instead of the promise of God, is the pain that is anticipated in the waiting. Perhaps the sacrifice isn’t actually of the promise, but of the disbelief – disbelief not in the promise but in the protection. I do believe in all that God has promised me for my life, but having as yet only believed by faith and not yet by sight, my belief causes pain and is subject to the enemy's tricks and lies. Maybe what needs to be rejected is simply the anticipation of grief and what must be sacrificed is a desire to protect myself.
There is still so much to consider....
I wonder, at times, how Abraham must have felt when he was promised a nation more numerous than the stars in the sky, but lived and died with only one son. I wonder sometimes if he "got it" and understood the far-reaching nature of that promise or if he felt a bit ripped off. Jason Upton has a song called "Give Me One Reason" and it has a lyric that says this:
I see the faith of our fathers
Abraham, Issac, and Jacob
They never saw what was promised
But they never once felt forsaken
(from the album Faith)
I've always wondered whether this was actually true - how does a man live and die without seeing God's promise fulfilled and still retain faith in that promise? How does one choose to believe in a promise long since given and long awaited and not grasp at it and strive for it - and choose a hand-maiden, Hagar, instead of waiting? (By the way, the truth of Abraham's taking Hagar to speed along the promise of a son is my reason for wondering if he did not feel forsaken.)
God has spoken promises into my life - many. Many have been fulfilled, many remain hopes. At times my ability to claim these promises without creating of them an idol growths regrettably thin. I refuse to have idols - I would rather cast all my hopes into the pit of hell than allow them to come between Jesus and me. I don't say that from a false sense of piety but rather from a personal experience of having done it already - I won't have it again.
BUT, therein lies the dilemma that I am currently processing. One time, in prayer, I chose to lay down one of my dreams before the Lord - to make of it a sacrifice. The Lord very clearly asked me, "Why do you keep laying down the things that I am giving you? Pick it up!" He tells me of His plans and asks me to believe. I do believe. I believe He is faithful to fulfill all His promises, and I believe that He is not slow to do so. But I myself have a problem in knowing that within my hand are my deepest dreams - the dreams that God has promised to fulfill - and keeping my hand relaxed and open. In my humanness I want to grasp at them and not allow them to escape me. And then this knowledge leads me to remember my identity as a servant of Christ and I want to both offer them up to God to do with as He wills and to cast them away from me as still too close to not be in danger of being idols.
On one hand, sacrifice.
On the other hand, rejection.
How does one sacrifice something so earnestly desired without utterly casting it aside? Isn't this what sacrifice is? But in the case of something God is asking us to believe in, is it not also rejection of a promise? I feel sometimes as though rejection is the only way to be safe from idolatry. But it is also a lack of faith, perhaps a self-protecting disbelief in case 'being the father of a nation' never manifests in my lifetime. But sacrifice - how does one do this over and over, while remaining open-handed with the gifts of God? How does one say, "Yes, I will take my son up to the mountain of Moriah," knowing already that there is a ram in the thicket? I have read that story, and to attempt to duplicate it with my own Isaacs feels like a false sacrifice. But a full sacrifice feels like the rejection of a promise.
At least Abraham knew that God had required of Him Moriah. I wonder if sometimes I require it of myself. God hasn't demanded that I take the promises He has given me and bury them where they will never see the light of day except by a miracle of His hand. Maybe the pain that is involved in waiting is what has required it. May the fear of creating idols again is what demands it. Perhaps all of this struggle is really just from inside me - trying to protect against more disappointment, more pain.
Well, of course it is - I don't suppose that was really in question. The question does remain, however, how do you hold a promise lightly in your hand? How do you refuse the Hagar opportunities? How does one change one's heart to not see the promises and seek them out, but instead to see the Lord, and to have eyes that are for Him only?
My heart wants to reject the promises - in the claims that I want God more and the weak understanding that I have of knowing my desire of these promises endangers my intimacy with the Lord. God wants my heart to accept the promises - in His rights as a good and loving Father who gives gifts to His beloved children. He wants to give me more - to have me experience fullness in this life before meeting with Him in eternity. Thus at present I continue to wrestle between accepting in faith and true sacrifice, and rejecting in self-protection.
Sometimes blogging is so helpful – as I write the above and re-read it a time or two, I wonder if I don't need to sacrifice/reject something other than God's promises. Perhaps what needs to be rejected, instead of the promise of God, is the pain that is anticipated in the waiting. Perhaps the sacrifice isn’t actually of the promise, but of the disbelief – disbelief not in the promise but in the protection. I do believe in all that God has promised me for my life, but having as yet only believed by faith and not yet by sight, my belief causes pain and is subject to the enemy's tricks and lies. Maybe what needs to be rejected is simply the anticipation of grief and what must be sacrificed is a desire to protect myself.
There is still so much to consider....
