I think I saw a ghost today. Not the kind that wears a white sheet and lives in the attic. (I live in an apartment, so the closest I could get to that is my cat caught in a towel in the bathroom cupboard. Not very scary.) No, it is the ghost of an old fear that I thought I was completely rid of a long time ago, that seems to have found a new avenue in my life in which to manifest itself.

It's the fear of man - the fear of what people might think of me.

Generally, I'm pretty together when it comes to being confident in who I have been created to be. It's taken me a while to get there, and I have my off moments, but if you disagree and have noticed anything that belies that statement, all I have to say is you should have met me 10 years ago. WOW. (Neurosis personified.....)

But today, as I was sharing with two different groups two different things that God is asking me to do as a leader (and us to do as a group), I was somewhat nervous and felt I communicated very poorly what I was trying to say, which somewhere in my head is translating into "they'll think I'm bonkers and never follow that" or "they'll be offended at something I said."

Perhaps this is some of that "His strength is made perfect in my weakness" stuff? Or perhaps it's still some of the old fear of man that I always think I'm over and then it rears its ugly head up again. In other words, I know I believe that God gave me this direction to go as a leader, but what if the people I'm leading don't follow me? Isn't it then said that I'm just out for a walk? But aren't I going to just have to go for a walk if I really believe this is what God's called me to do? Even if no one comes with me?

My comfort in these questions tonight is this: God is ever faithful. He will not let me be disgraced. He will do whatever needs to be done to bring His name glory. Praise the Lord. It turns out that's all I need to know.

"Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband — the Lord Almighty is his name — the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit — a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the Lord your Redeemer. "To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you. (Isaiah 54:4-10)