Do you ever go for a long period of time without seing a certain friend? Like, years, I mean, not just a few weeks. And then do you find that with some friends it's like not a moment has passed, but with most people it's rather like learning all about them all over again? Re-learning how to be comfortable, re-learning what their minute facial expressions mean, re-learning how to interpret their silences?

I find it's the same with God. If you're like me, you spend some serious time being very busy in order to fulfill God's every wish. These things start out as passionnate acts of love - done because seeing Him smile just once in my direction, pleased with wanting to bring Him pleasure, is enough to make my breath catch in my throat. Then I get used to doing these things, and often confuse them with commands - things I must do lest He be upset with me. Then I move into a routine where this is just 'what I do' - knowing that somewhere I do it because I think it brings God pleasure, but really getting rather tired of it, and wishing to find again the spark of passion that used to motivate my actions. Or worse yet, I do certain things because I figure it's the thing that He would want.

The result? Exhaustion for one. And worse yet, His smiles are more piteous. The kind that look like, "Oh, there she goes again, a little off the rails from what I was looking for, though her intentions are good. How long should I let her go this time before I throw a wrench in the works and bring her back, I wonder?"

From everything I read in the scriptures, God wants us motivated by love, not just in what we do for others, but even in following the things He has commanded us to do. He is not looking for mindless robots, but sons and daughters who love Him with a passion that even defies our role as His servants.

While I was away, I realized that while others may have the impression that I was a "passionate worshipper," I had lost that passion to worship, to serve others for His sake and to exist completely in His will. I had become a servant only and forgotten that I am a daughter and even more, I am a bride. If a wife never spends time and focus on her relationship with her husband, but rather only goes by what she has known in the past he likes, assuming that she'll get a chance soon to spend a few moments with him (though that probably never happens), she will eventually lose touch with him, and find that her relationship is merely a shadow of what once existed. I pray that we as Christ's bride will never forget that we are first and foremost His treasured creation, His sons and daughters, His bride and His wife. I don't want to measure what I do anymore by what others will think of me - even my bosses or my family. I feel today like I would rather lose my job as a pastor and have the contempt of my friends and family rather than once again fall into that "routine of ministry," which looks great but can be such an empty, passionless shell, and most likely only as effective as I alone could be. I want to measure what I do by what He is asking me to do. I want to measure what I do by what will bring that smile to His face. I want to measure what I do by what I know intimately of Him and what He wants me to do each day. I could evangelize the entire world, but if it's not motivated by my love for God, it's nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it's a heck of a lot of work when you try it that way, anyway.

Here are a couple of great quotes that brought this home to me this past week:

“As a servant I was dispensable - servants come and go and God can choose any of us to do any job in His Kingdom. As a worship leader I was replaceable - God could have used anyone for the events that we’d been privileged to be a part of. But as a son [daughter] and as a child of God, I was indispensable. There could never be another me - a child is irreplaceable. (Pages 37-38, The Unquenchable Worshipper, Matt Redman)”

“I’m convinced that it’s possible to work really hard at the tasks God has called us to and still maintain a vibrant, intimate heart relationship with Him. Jesus did. The key is balancing the times of hard work with times of uninterrupted devotion - moments to be still and know that He is God; times when everything else fades into the background as we sit and listen devotedly at the feet of our master. As Richard Foster reminds us, the divine priority will always be “worship first, service second.” Interestingly, when I regularly make quiet times to meet with God, I also start becoming much more aware of Him in my everyday activities. (Page 101, The Unquenchable Worshipper, Matt Redman)”

Worship first. Service second. I'm so loopy when it comes to remembering how to live that out. And to be vey frank, we have created an atmosphere in the church - and in the Army especially (God forgive me for saying that out loud) - that is not conducive to that divine priority. Let's change that. Let's hold each other accountable. Let's not expect that we're not going to get tired, but when we do, let's re-assess and make sure we're still passionately in love with the Saviour and can't wait for the next moment we spend one-on-one with Him.


If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing. (1 Corinthians 13:1-3)