I've been digging into the history of jazz music and the stories of the greats in the last couple of weeks, and in doing so, came across this great quote from Charlie "Yardbird" Parker - an alto saxophonist and arguably the greatest jazz musician in history to date:

That got me thinking. Initially, I read into this quote probably exactly what was intended - that Bird Parker had such a creativity inside of him that he recognized that there was even more music yet to be discovered, even if he couldn't grasp it just yet. It's as if he knew it was there but just out of his reach.

The more I thought about that quote, the more I thought about how it is such a reflection of our spiritual journeys - every single one of them, from the person who has never given God much of a thought, to the one who has pursued Him their whole lives. There is bound to be something else - a glimpse will sometimes cross our paths, even if we can't quite see it or grasp what it is in that moment.

Now, I'm not saying we follow Bird's example. Charlie Parker might have known there was more out there, but he looked in the wrong places. Biographies tell us that because he had abused his body so badly with drugs and wild living, the medical practitioner who examined Parker at his death (age 34) estimated that he was 60 years old.

But what if Charlie Parker had recognized that what he was not quite glimpsing was all God's glory and grace and creativity? What if he recognized that all the incredible talent and influence he had been given in the jazz world was a gift from God alone? Might he have been able to play that illusive melody that remained just out of his reach? Perhaps. Or perhaps his life would have taken a completely different turn, depending on his level of surrender and on God's will for him.

I, too, keep thinking that there is something else, something just out of my reach. That there must be more knowledge of God and His character, more understanding of my role as a bond-servant, more of a clarity to who God is and who I am in relation to Him. But sometimes it, too, remains just out of my reach.

So I will keep searching until I can hear that melody and play it....

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter. (Proverbs 25:2)

Merry Christmas! Or, as my friend Stephen Court says (and which is probably more accurate), "Holy Christmas!"

Today, I had a Christmas like I have never had before. Only once in my recollection has my family not celebrated Christmas on Christmas Day. We have been very fortunate that though my brother is married to a wonderful girl whose family lives on Vancouver Island, their visiting her family for Christmas has only once rescheduled our family Christmas day, and this is not a problem for us.

Being free from family commitments today, and having encouraged our congregation to consider the Christmas dinner that the church puts on each year as a way to have their Sunday "service," I found myself at the church at 1:00pm, ready to participate in having a time of carol singing and a devotional for those coming to have their Christmas dinner at our place. (Others were already in charge of cooking and serving the meal.)

I was truly blessed, and it wasn't even supposed to be about me. As we sang until we were hoarse (it was too loud to preach, so we just sang the gospel), it occurred to me that I am incredibly selfish. I knew that my family was spending Christmas together on Boxing Day, so consequently I was very much looking forward to just spending some solitude time with Jesus this afternoon.

I spent time with Jesus this afternoon.

Jesus sometimes wears dirty clothes. Jesus sometimes needs to come and be served a meal and to enter a building just to warm up after sleeping on the streets. Jesus sometimes smells of alcohol or worse. Jesus loves to be served, though sometimes people walk past Him, so I'm not sure He's all that used to it. Jesus serves others, and sits and talks to them. Jesus loves to hear His praise, even through Christmas carols.

Today Jesus said to me, "Just seeing you smile has made my Christmas."

I saw Jesus in so many places today that I was forced to weep when I really thought about how selfish I was, that I was rather wanting to spend time alone with Him - what I wanted to do - instead of time serving Him - what He wanted to do. My heart is truly broken apart at the thought and I wonder if I will ever grasp this thing that is so much bigger than I and sometimes seems so far beyond my comprehension. I pray that one day I will. And until then, I pray that God's faithfulness will keep me meeting Him where He wants to be, not just where I want to be.

For anyone who knows me as a pastor, you know that one of the things that I find most frustrating in walking with people through their lives is walking with people who are caught in cycle. Actually, no, that's not entirely accurate - it's walking with people who are caught in cycle and never seem to fight their way out.

Today, in a whirlwind of irony and with a few tears, I realized that I myself am in a cycle - a cycle of trying to please the Lord and serve His Kingdom in my own strength. The result? I'm sure you can imagine: messy - distastrous - tiring - frustrating - at times painful - always less than a spotless offering.

Just - cycle. Always going around and around in the same way with the same lack of permanent results. Finding out what pleases the Lord, only to attempt it, start running with it with Him, and then somewhere along the line start running with it on my own. Then the stress level builds, things start to fly apart a little, and everything in the situation feels like it's too much. Usually at some point in there Satan also starts throwing spanners into the works, just to make it all more interesting and leave me with more of a desire to go back to teaching high school or consulting and just being a volunteer minister in the church. Somewhere in the mix the words, "I just want to be a worshipper" usually come out of my mouth. Then there is always a moment of brokenness where our ever-faithful God gently calls me back to His heart and reminds me that it is He and His name, not my own strength or even what I have to offer Him. Then He shares the plan again, we run together, somewhere I start off on my own, and ... cycle begins again.

Part of my cycle always brings me back to the arms of the Saviour. Most of the cycles in our Christian journey do. It's the grace of the Father to not let us spiral downwards, but instead to allow us to see where we are broken so that He may heal us and fit us for more of His service. It is our own lack of strength and ability that shows His strength and ability so perfectly. But I don't believe it should always be in cycle this way. It is time to step out of the places where our cycles simply go around and around. It is time to fight. We fight so much for others in the Salvation Army. It's time to also fight for ourselves - our spiritual health, our relationship with God and our witness of His glory and faithfulness.

It is a war, after all. I'm ready to fight.

(This is perhaps more of a personal blog than I usually post, but I'm not looking for the typical words of encouragement that say, "You can do it" or "Keep at it." As much as words like that are appreciated, I am rather looking to be authentic (which sometimes means vulnerable) and also to challenge any of you reading - where are you caught in cycle? What lessons has our gracious Father been trying to teach you? Where do you need to fight your way out? I pray our Lord's strength will be with you.)

For anyone who remembers way back when I blogged about the number "333" (July 26, 2005) and how it keeps coming up for me, you might be interested to know that on Tuesday our Youth and Young Adults' Group manned a Salvation Army kettle for the day. Their total earnings for their shift?

$333.00

God is faithful in the extreme.

'Call to Me and I will answer you, and I will tell you great and mighty things, which you do not know.' (Jeremiah 33:3)

Stephen Court blogged this yesterday:

"I used to disdain songs that seemed to merely declare things about Jesus or Holy Spirit. I thought that during worship we should worship. So now I sing those songs about Jesus and Holy Spirit to Father.
It works nicely.
grace,
StephenC"

Here's another option to add to that, since that kind of praise can be difficult to get your head around - how about declaring those things to the spiritual world? Declaring the majesty of God and His faithfulness (among many other things) to the unclean spirits in the world. Remind them that they ought to be trembling in their boots because of the power of God and the fact that God is for us and has shared His power with us.

While we're at it, it reminds us ourselves, too. Heck, it can be declared to those around us as well - fellow believers and pre-believers.

In fact, let's just fill up the heavely realm with a declaration of God's glory all the time - bring it on!

Seraphim stood above Him, each having six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called out to another and said, "Holy, Holy, Holy, is the Lord of hosts, the whole earth is full of His glory." (Isaiah 6:2-3)

Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne and the living creatures and the elders; and the number of them was myriads of myriads, and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice, "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honour and glory and blessing." (Revelation 5:11-12)

I typed the hymn "Saviour If My Feet Have Faltered" into the PowerPoint for Sunday morning this weekend, and was incredibly struck by the power of the words and the passion behind this prayer. I thought I'd share it with you....


Saviour, if my feet have faltered
On the pathway of the cross
If my purposes have altered
Or my gold be mixed with dross
O forbid me not Thy service
Keep my yet in Thy employ
Pass me through a sterner cleansing
If I may but give Thee joy!

All my work is for the Master
He is all my heart’s desire
O that He may count me faithful
In the day that tries by fire!

Have I worked for hireling wages
Or as one with vows to keep
With a heart whose love engages
Life or death, to save the sheep?
All is known to Thee, my Master
All is known, and that is why
I can work and wait the verdict
Of Thy kind but searching eye

I must love Thee, love must rule me
Springing up and flowing forth
From a childlike heart within me
Or my work is nothing worth
Love with passion and with patience
Love with principle and fire
Love with heart and mind and utterance
Serving Christ my one desire

(Albert Orsborn, SASB #522)

Pass me through a sterner cleansing....
I must love Thee, love must rule me....

I've decided the Bible is layered. Not a new revelation, but one that has been becoming more and more apparent the more I read lately.

What I mean by layers is that one passage or chapter or book can have more than one meaning or point to it. Well, obviously - six people could read the same Psalm and come away with six different things that have impacted them through it. Though I think that's cool, I wasn't actually thinking of the personal side of the impact of the scriptures, but rather the way that any given chunk can be one of four things: the actual story that is being told, whether it's of Esther's dealing with the king or Ezekiel laying on his side; the larger picture of what that means for Israel (or the Christian church) at the time and how it is a prophetic message for them; the even larger picture of the message of the Messiah, and how it is a prophetic picture of the one plan of redemption for each person ever created; or the parallel of what message that passage is giving to us in our day and age, and our spiritual journey.

I've been reading Nehemiah this week, and I noticed one of the deeper layers again, even through the story of Nehemiah and the Jews rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem. There's of course the story of their own journey to 'get the job done,' and there's also the way that this story tells the story of redemption and God's plan for us to be reconciled to him.

But there's also a really cool picture of spiritual attack, and how, by God's grace and power, Nehemiah overcomes it.

In Nehemiah chapter four, after everyone has started working on their own part of the wall next to his brother or sister, the real fun begins. People started mocking the Jews and saying things like, "Even what they are building - if a fox should jump on it, he would break their stone wall down!" (Nehemiah 4:3) And so on. Nehemiah's response? Well, better than mine, which would have been to either jump on them or burst into tears (possibly both). No, he did two things: he prayed, and asked God to return their reproach on their own heads, and he kept on working, being true to what God had commanded.

It's too bad that this wasn't the end of the enemies - they continued and the Jews were forced to work with one hand and carry weapons in the other. Or one would work while the other kept watch for the enemy. They set up guards, and they did not let that guard down for anything.

As I read this chapter, I was SO struck by how that is what our own spiritual journey should look. We're at war! That's not just Salvation Army lingo - that's the plain truth. We are at war with an enemy who is nasty enough and subtle enough to mock and spread lies. And powerful enough to attack physically, morally, emotionally and spiritually. And so our response has to be to ask God to be our defense and to keep on working. To carry a weapon in one hand and to work with the other. To partner with spiritual watchmen who will intercede to God on our behalf and watch for the attack of the enemy to be able to thwart it. To have faith in God's protection and to be able to say with confidence, "Our God will fight for us." (Nehemiah 4:20) To be willing to even 'go to gather water' (4:23) with our weapons at our sides.

And to remember Nehemiah's words to his own people:

When I saw their fear, I rose and spoke to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people: "Do not be afraid of them; remember the Lord who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives and your houses." (Nehemiah 4:14)

There's been a lot of chit-chat lately about giving unique Christmas gifts to friends and family this year - gifts like goats and pigs. Stephen Court gives a Salvation Army resource web site (click on Sponsorship Opportunities) in his blog on December 12th, and another friend previously blogged recommending the Harvest of Hope Christmas 2005 Catalogue. Both are good resources.

Until you meet my family.

I love my family, don't get me wrong, and they are likely to comment back on this blog (it would be about time!), but I think that through them I have found a snag in the idea of a goat for Christmas.

You see, the idea of the goat is to say, "We bought a goat for Christmas, but it lives with a family in the third world, since we live in the city." This goat, by the way, provides milk and income for families in need.

Here's the catch (wait for it, it's good). My mom loves the idea of getting a goat for Christmas. Cool. She wants it to come and live in her house. Not so cool. Definitely not as practical a gift as it was probably designed to be. I'm not sure she really has a shot at it, though, because Dad hasn't even wanted a dog for many years, so the goat isn't likely to pass the test. Besides, a goat tried to eat me when I was about six. I'd never be able to visit again, as I'm still severely scarred from that fieldtrip to Maplewood Farm.

So, Stephen, any further ideas? Maybe I should consider buying them a well. I'm pretty sure my mom doesn't want a well on their property in North Vancouver, but you never know. I was pretty sure she wouldn't want that goat, though if I'd thought about it a little more, I probably should have known....

I love my family. :)

Short but sweet blog today - I've just been pondering the connection between worship and joy. Check it out:

In Psalm 16:11, it says, "You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever." In His presence there is fullness of joy. Not a bad promise.

Now check this out - Psalm 22:3 says, "Yet You are holy, O You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel." This one indicates that God is enthroned on our praise. Some people take it to mean that God lives in our praise. God is present in our praise.

If God is present in our praise, and in that presence is fullness of joy, then when we truly worship Him we will be filled full with joy! Not a bad promise. I like it. Not that we should ever praise simply for the selfish reason of receiving joy. In fact, I'm not sure it's possible to praise simply to receive joy - it wouldn't be true, selfless, God-fearing praise. But, man! When we really focus on lifting God's name high in all we do - can you imagine the joy that will come as the sweetness of His presence surrounds us? Count me completely in.

"Is this not the fast which I choose, to loosen the bonds of wickedness, to undo the bands of the yoke, and to let the oppressed go free and break every yoke? Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into the house; when you see the naked, to cover him; and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light will break out like the dawn, and your recovery will speedily spring forth; and your righteousness will go before you; the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard. Then you will call, and the Lord will answer; you will cry, and He will say, 'Here I am.' If you remove the yoke from your midst, the pointing of the finger and speaking wickedness, and if you give yourself to the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then your light will rise in darkness and your gloom will become like midday. And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail. Those from among you will rebuild the ancient ruins; you will raise up the age-old foundations; and you will be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of the streets in which to dwell. (Isaiah 58:6-12)

Faith is a funny thing. It always seems to be there until it's tested, and then you find out what the reading is on how much you really have.

My faith has been tested in the past couple of weeks - my faith in hearing the voice of the Lord. The funny part is, there has been very little that has come at me to shake my belief in the promises that He has given me. A couple of little circumstances and probably a few words from others taken out of context. That's it.

A couple of curcumstances.
A few words.

Matched against a lifetime of seeing the faithfulness of God never fail, a lifetime of reading the words of the scriptures that speak of God's unfailing love and faithfulness to His promises, and a lifetime of learning about faith. How is it that the circumstances and the few words seem to be winning?

The truth is that about this one particular promise, I have had for a long time at least a small measure of doubt. When I was struggling under abusive leadership in the church, I had faith that God would protect me and my reputation and bring me through it. He did. When I was out of work, I had faith that God would constantly take care of my financial needs, regardless of what they were and how big. He did. When I was trying to decide on whether to take a job in Colorado or take a job here in Vancouver, I had faith that He would guide me into the right decision. He did.

But about this particular promise, there has always been an inkling of doubt. Did God really say that? Should I believe it? Would He really do that for me?

I think many of us have many of those doubts, even about the promises that are solidly written in the Bible. And here's the nasty part about that. Satan knows of even those tiny little cracks in the armor of our faith, and he will exploit them for all he's worth. The Bible doesn't call him a prowling lion for nothing. Here's the best part: we have more authority than Satan or his demons do, and if we resist him - even the thoughts that he attempts to sway us with - he will flee from us.

This weekend I saw in my own life where Satan and his imps had been messing around with my head and I had almost completely lost faith in one of God's amazing promises for my life. In fact, I hadn't even recognized that it was anything more than my own doubt. Yes, it likely started with my own doubt, but I really believe that Satan was trying to take my belief in this promise away, and so take away joy. (He truly is a stinker.)

Whether it's our own doubt or Satan's attack, there is one thing that is certain: God's promises are always solid. His faithfulness cannot be shaken. It's a lesson I thought I had already learned. Hopefully this time it will go even deeper.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (1 Peter 5:8-9)

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. (James 4:7)

He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every disease and sickness. (Matthew 10:1)

But you, O Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. (Psalm 86:15)

What if some did not have faith? Will their lack of faith nullify God's faithfulness? Not at all! (Romans 3:3-4a)

Well, I have finally turned into "one of those."

Yup - sad, really.

Today, I turned into one of those people who leaves their flicker (turn signal) on for numerous blocks, unaware of the little blinking light, the ticking noise and the stares and mockery of cars passing by.

It was a sad day - I turned into one of those.

Once I realized that I still had my right flicker on (did I mention I was already in the right-hand lane no less?), I jumped and threw my hand up to turn it off. It's unfortunate that I then immediately had to turn it back on because after driving straight for about 5 city blocks with the flicker on, I found I had to turn right. What a crazy experience altogether.

It made me wonder why I had left my flicker on. I have no qualms about the fact that I did not notice it still on - my music is always way too loud to hear the ticking and I'm rarely looking at the dash except to check my speed (which might be why I finally noticed the little arrow light flashing). But why didn't I turn it off after I had changed lanes? How come I had, after many years driving experience, finally turned into "one of those?"

I'm guessing it was distraction. Distracted about where I was going, distracted by the huge semi trailer trying to kill me as we rounded the corner - distracted. It's rather a distracting time of year anyway, isn't it? Christmas gets busy. I've never really understood why Christians, who might consider Christmas to be their second greatest celebration, get SO busy through this season. The Salvation Army might be considered even worse than usual, with kettles and cold/wet weather shelters open, Christmas concerts, etc. (Though these things are important - don't comment and slam me on that, it wasn't actually my point.) A season of peace? Hmmm...not in my experience. Usually a season of mania - running around, DOING many things.

Ah, DOING. There's the key. Distraction. It's OK to be doing things, like kettles and shelters, and shopping and visiting, but are they distracting us from the point of the whole celebration? This week, I was asking God about what was going on with one particular part of my life, and His only response was this:

"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:41-42)

I went back and looked in the scriptures - Mary had chosen to sit at the feet of Jesus and listen to His words. Sitting. Listening. That's it. Martha was distracted by her preparations. Like Danielle's blog from a couple of days ago, it wasn't her busyness that was the issue, but the fact that there wasn't the spark of love initiating her actions anymore.

I think it's OK to be busy. I especially think it's more than OK to be busy helping those who need a hand through this season because they're hungry or cold or hurting and needing to see Jesus in a very practical way. But as we execute whatever duties we're into each day, let's remember to take moment to focus on why we are doing these things. I pray we would always find that our duties and busyness are sparked by a love for the Father, and that we would always be able to find a place of rest and peace to talk to Him about how grateful we are for the gift of His amazing Son.

As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"
"Martha, Martha," the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." (Luke 10:38-42)

Every once in a while I steal a blog from a friend who has said something brilliant. And since I'm definitely into the eradication of meaningless duties and instead the undergirding of every action of worship and service with a heart that burns with zealous love for the Saviour, Danielle's blog today was, well, brilliant. Enjoy.


My friend called the other day and the subject turned to kettles (the christmas fundraiser extravaganza of the SA world - 'my God owns the kettles in a thousand malls...'). She said her officer made kettles an obligation of every soldier - so she took two shifts a week BUT really didn't feel like doing it so she paid others to do her shift.

Either this is an ingenious way of getting through the kettle season as a soldier, without getting frostbite OR it's a micro of a macro army problem. Not to judge this particular soldier (she is quite clever and really shouldn't be blamed for thinking outside of the box on this one) BUT it is an army thing to pay people to do what used to be our 'duty'. We pay shelter workers and chaplains (that aren't even in any of our Corps) and workers in homes for battered women, and fundraisers and so much more - all positions and places where soldiers once felt it their duty to be and their obligation to do. Now we simply oblige by paying someone else. So where is the problem in that?

I guess the real problem isn't that we don't feel it's our duty (obviously we still feel the duty bit or we wouldn't waste our time paying someone to do the job) BUT it's that our love leaked out of our duty. See, duty without love isn't what the Lord requires. As a matter of fact He hates obligatory worship - it's smells like hypocrisy to heaven and the good Lord knows He hates the stink of that! Love is measured in obedience... not duty. What does love look like? I've never heard said it looked like standing, freezing in the cold asking for money from the wealthy on behalf of the poor - but I guess that ain't a bad way to show a little love this Christmas.

Bottom line: do some duty laced with love this season - go on, spend your money on something else!

Just thinking outloud.
Great Grace.
Danielle


(Danielle and her husband, Stephen Court, are officers (pastors) at The Salvation Army 614 Vancouver congregation and overseers of and teachers at The War College in Vancouver, BC.)

Since my blog last night about personality, I've been continuing to think this morning about personalities and authenticity and friendships. I was thinking about how we often spend a good deal of time with certain people - the people we consider our friends. We love them and enjoy them and on a certain level we know them. But I was thinking about some of the interaction that I've had this weekend and how even though I would consider the people I spent time with my friends and I dearly love them, I wonder how well we know each other.

Last night, after everyone we were hanging out with had gone home and I was sitting alone with my friend, Heather, she commented on something she had seen much earlier in the evening - my reaction to a conversation. She had noticed that my body language had changed ever so slightly and she knew exactly what kind of reaction I was having to the conversation even though my words were fairly casual and I was at the moment attempting to carry off a polite conversation. I loved that she knew that, and I felt validated in who I am, which freed me up to then talk to her about what had happened for me in that conversation and why I was reacting to it the way that I was.

I know that some people are simply more observant than others, and my dear friend Heather is definitely one of those. But how much of our joking around and having fun is simply a cover to not let people deep into our hearts and lives - those places that are vulnerable and will be hurt if someone is not careful with us? How well do we really know each other? Well enough to understand the nuances of facial expression and body language? Well enough that even if we aren't seeing that friend we know exactly what they are thinking or feeling? I realize that I am talking about a depth of friendship that is intimate and very special - not something created with every person you meet or spend some time with. But is there a place where our self-protection - our desire to protect ourselves from being hurt or having someone think poorly of us - is hampering our being in authentic, deep relationships? I pray it may never be, but I think that our culture and what we have learned as emotional armor is strong, and I think it damages true, Godly fellowship, especially among believers. I pray all this for my own life, too - that I would allow God to both protect my heart and to constantly tell me who I am according to His perspective, so that I am not chasing my identity in the thoughts of others.

Authenticity. I know that it is something that is important to me. I have for a long time been the kind of person who responds better to authenticity than teasing or surface friendships. I like to really know people so I can love them better. And I like people to really know me so I can feel secure and be myself. A huge part of that is personal responsibility - my being authentic. I guess that includes communicating to others that this is who I am and how I tick. The beauty is that the places where I know I've done that are the places where I have deep, spiritual, meaningful, and I believe lasting friendships. Bonds of love.

Father, please, You be our protector of our hearts so that we may blossom into the personalities and characters that You have created us to be. And fill us with deep love one for another so we are a safe and truly loving community that brings Your name great glory.

Remember the old cliche that went, "She's got a great personality," which was akin to NOT being able to say someone was pretty? What do you do when she's not all that pretty AND she's got a wonky personality? Tell people that you like her scarf? I suppose that could work, though it seems a little thin.

Tonight I was thinking about personalities. A couple of people I know have said that they find me hard to get to know. I personally find this almost hilarious, as I think I'm the most transparent person alive - I couldn't lie or evade the truth to save my life. (Just to be clear, I don't blab other peoples' secrets - I have an ability to be discreet - I just don't feel the need to hide anything about myself....)

But then I thought about my personality this weekend. Someone who didn't know me well might have assumed that I was 'different.' I was just more mellow, I think, processing some things that happened through the week. It's not a part of me that is often at the fore for long periods of time, but it is certainly a part of me, and I wonder if people really do know that about me.

And then I thought about my beautiful friend, Michael Collins. Michael knows me - really knows me. He knows me enough that when I say, "Sorry, I'm a little off today" or "I think I'm just mellow," he says, "I know. I know you. I understand that this is part of who you are." What beautiful words. Someone knows me so well that I do not need to worry about whether they are going to change their minds about loving me when they realize that I'm not always crazy or entertaining or strong or in leadership 'mode.'

What I find really beautiful is that my friend Michael is a lot like Jesus. Jesus know me. He knows my personality. He knows that sometimes I might describe myself as "off," but the truth is that is another facet to who I am. He knows that. And He loves me. My worth to Him is not based on whether I entertain Him or support Him or am chatty around Him all the time. It is not based on what I can do for Him or what image I represent before Him. It is not based on my ability to appear as if I'm always happy or always together or always in charge. It is simply based on the fact that He adores me, and in that, He has taken the time to know me and understand my personality and who I am.

That's beautiful. Jesus is beautiful.

AND He's got a great personality. What a deal.